Cheese, pasta and aliens

Creative writing prompt

Aliens have landed on earth. They’re able to converse with inanimate objects - a toaster, avocado, fence post, road sign - but not humans or animals.

The aliens have discovered cheese, but aren’t sure what to make of it.

Taking the role of an inanimate object, explain to the aliens what cheese is. Write in the first person.

A pack of Waitrose pasta

Well, cheese is also a food, I suppose. To be honest, I don’t even really know why you want to know about it. It’s a bit of an afterthought, if you ask me, compared to the main event. A glorified garnish, if ever there was one. Not that I’m against garnish, you understand. A little cracked black pepper, a few charming little basil leaves. Those can set things off a treat!

But take me, for example. I’ll be sitting on the plate…You know, a plate? Flat, round things. Never mind, it’s not important. So there I am, a perfect meal in my own right  - when suddenly I’m unceremoniously showered with greasy (and frankly, smelly) curd shavings. 

It’s the indignity of it I can’t stand. I’m not anti-cheese, per se. It’s what it represents. 

In Italia - it’s a country, my whole family are from there originally, although I’ve never been there myself. It isn’t half the problem it is here in Britain, you know. Of course, you might have to put up with a light sprinkling of parmigiano from time to time, but it’s not really the same, is it? As having half a block of Cathedral City, of all things, dumped on your head. 

I mean, would it be too much to ask for a little artisanal cheddar? Perhaps from the farmer’s market? That would at least take a little of the sting out of it. 

You know, the more I think about what cheese actually is, the angrier I get.

So, you take a cow. You know, a cow? No, that’s a duck….That’s a cat…It’s much bigger and it has the…you know…That’s the one. Well, so, you take a cow and you milk it’s…you know…Then you take the milk. The milk. The white liquid. Mm. And you ferment it. Ferment. Err…it’s, well, it’s a bit like leaving it to rot actually. I know! I know! Disgusting! Now you see my point! 

So, in a nutshell, sorry - Earth expression, of course you don’t know - so, in short, cheese is basically rotten cow liquid. Why people want to eat it on their pasta is honestly beyond me.